What's It Like to F*ck A Jesus Wound?

I have to repost this sex toy that Jezebel found. I'm into deviant shit and I even have a mild foot fetish, but this shit is TOO much. It makes my pee-hole hurt.

PS- I think it's Asian.

Robbed Without a Pistol

With the economy in dire straights, retailers are makin' cut backs on goods and services, turning to clever means to retain customer spending through promotions and shit. Count Bass D is a man that understands these times when the funds are tight and is giving away a free instrumental album of his wizardry, aptly titled "Robbed Without A Pistol".



Count Bass D is a veteran rapper/producer/musician that has been putting 100% pure, uncut underground hip-hop since 1995 on labels like the seminal NY label Fatbeats. His 2002 "Dwight Spitz" album really caught my ear, where not only his talent as an mc was apparent, but his production also shined on beats like the instrumental interlude, "Jussa Player". I got a chance to catch Count live when he was tour with my homie Coolzey back in 2006, and was really impressed by how dope his show was. He's the kind of rapper that makes you realize where good underground hip-hop has been hiding.

He has a new full length, titled L7 that just dropped this month on 1320 Records, so show the man some respect for giving away some free cuts and check it out.

Cover Letters

I was given an interesting cover letter the other day. This is the exact format it was sent in and I didn't alter anything to make it sound more mastabatory. If this is how hipster kids be doing it this decade, I'm definitely out of the loop.

"Being a bathroom attendant in a dimly-lit, new-money cocktail lounge is a bit demeaning. While thanklessly handing paper towels to investment bankers and executives, I merely smiled and shook hands, my eyes fixed on those of my patrons. I would assert my confidence to the point that it seemed as if I were already worth millions, and that I was subjecting myself to such treatment for recreation.

It wasn't feigned, either. The firmness of my handshake was, and is, indicative of my unwavering ambition. I have worked in San Francisco restaurants for the 3 years since I started as a toilet-scrubber. I'm now a knowledgeable server at one of the most praised culinary institutions in northern California, -------. Simultaneously, I pursued a career in media, putting in time at a burgeoning Web 2.0 startup while coordinating and performing interviews for some of the world's largest skateboard publications in my spare time. Most recently I was able to align myself with the definitive Los Angeles tastemakers at The ------ -----, and together we've made a considerable amount of progress in the San Francisco market. I've networked my way to this point, and I plan to go further. I'd like to continue my ascension with ------.

It's in my nature to allow others to think that I'm holding the proverbial low card. I'm afflicted with a penchant for doing things with disregard for convention, but challenging myself has always appeared to be the only option. I frequently surprise myself, but I've learned that the only thing more rewarding than accomplishing a goal is surprising others. If given the opportunity, I will exceed your expectations.

Sincerely,
-----------"

Dirty Thirty

Check Diesel's ad for their XXX party. The worldwide event is this weekend and the invite video is absolutely beyond. I think I just had an acid flashback.


Diesel SFW XXX - Watch more free videos

The Way It Is

Rafael Saadiq just released the album The Way I See It. The album is a dope motown throwback that recreates the vintage 60s-Al Green-Temptations-Smokey Robinson sound perfectly. The album carries a love theme, but the upbeat, doo-wop songs are a long way off from a steamy make out session. Noteworthy things you should know about Raphael Saadiq: He, his brother and their cousin made up Tony! Toné! Tone! He also founded Lucy Pearl (which is one way he got hooked in with Tribe) and he's carved a pretty solid career producing and writing ish for other neo-soul singers, like D'Angelo (before he was trife, over weight and getting arrested for yola).
Get a taste...
Tony! Toné! Tone! ft. Dj Quick- Let's Get Down
Rafael Saadiq- Keep Marchin'
and here's a dope hip-hop beat that samples Love That Girl by The Are- Love That Chop original vid below.

Get Loose!

Fridays are by far the best day to go insane during the weekend. You've successfully managed to crawl through yet another week of 9-5 bullshit and no matter how much you've been worn down by emails and spreadsheets, come 5pm on Friday, you're amazingly rejuvinated and ready to swallow down that long awaited "I've got two days off, so let's rage" first drink, run around, and get your grind on with a stranger. That first beer I have on Friday tastes so good, I often mutter the dreaded words, "Damn, I think I want to get fucked up tonight." At which point, friends, you can no longer hold me responsible for whatever debauchery transpires next.

This Friday, DJ Upturn starts his monthly party (every 3rd Friday to be exact) Get Loose! The 90s throwback mayhem (inspired by Yo! MTV Raps) goes down at Dada Lounge on 2nd between Market and Mission in SF. So after you're nice and buzzed (and horny) from the Verses party- Free Peroni, Fernet and Oysters- that ends at 9pm, head over here and shake it to ghetto, electro and retro tracks that will soon be your favorites, if they ain't already. Hightops welcome.

Curtis Vodka- Eat My Pussy
DJ Funk- There's Some Hoes in this House
Spank Rock & Benny Blanco (Ft. Amanda Blank) Get Loose

From the Bay to LA

Last weekend we rolled down to LA for the 4th of July to catch some sun, cervezas, and rotten sushi. I was supposed to play a pool party with my homie DJ Berlin but, the event was unexpectedly cancelled. We still managed to hit the beach, see some homies, and hit a dope monthly hip hop party party in Chinatown called Boom Box. This month featured Diamond D of the D.I.T.C. crew who played a set of almost all tracks that he's produced. Percee P (Stones Throw) also hosted and the talented J Rawls of the famed Lone Catalysts production duo also played...WHEW! what a lineup. The Soul Scienz residents and Choice 37 seriously held it down as well. We were told by numerous people that there is nothing like this going on in LA right now, so if your LA definitely check it out. If your into hip hop, also check out my man DJ Koder killing it all over.

Our boy DJ Rin can also be seen banging the box all over LA and Vegas at spots like Circus Disco and the Avalon. He and my homies Hydrogen aka Kirkwood West (Illinois, Amtrax.net) and Myles Egner (Platform, SWAT, SF) , just put out a release on former Playboy Playmate, DJ Tatiana's new label, Jook Music. Cop their shit on Beatport.

Fridays Rule!

Yeah thats right, the weekend is amazing! So get it krackin' right and roll through the Om Records happy hour from 6-10 @ Wish (Folsom @ 11th) in SF where I'll be playin' records. Beers are only $2, and no, this does not only include PBR and Bud. See ya'll there.

Other cool shit this weekend...

2nite @ 222 Hyde


DAM FUNK

5 Questions for A-trak

About a month ago, we stopped by the Fool's Gold SF leg to interview A-trak. We waited around for about 30 minutes with the promoter telling us A-trak would be arriving no later than 8. A look at our watches showed it already was 8, so we decided to leave and grab a drink at the bar around the corner. When we arrived back 15 minutes later, the whole crew (sans Steve Aoki) was there, looking crankier than a group of premenstrual bitches. A-trak was off, sitting in the corner side-kicking away, and the shaggy haired, hipster tour manager was storming around in his high top dunks. Already able to feel the tension in the room, we weren't that surprised when the promoter sauntered up to us to deliver the bad news that the tour manager was pissed. We were now apparently late and we wouldn't be getting any interview. We hung around for another half hour exchanging glances with Sammy Bananas, Sinden, A-trak and the tour manager, in hopes someone would change their mind, but with no luck. Since we think the interview would have been pretty hot, we've decided to share 5 of the questions we would have asked if the tour manager's pussy wasn't bleeding all over 103 Harriet.

1) How do you feel about some people crediting you with the success of broadening the appeal of the French house and electro i.e. Dirty South Dance and Kanye's Graduation?

[This was our dick sucking question to provide A-trak with the sense that we really thought he had done something spectacular within the music scene.]

2) What is in store for Fool's Gold in 2008?

[We welcomed him to share his PR and business goals for his label.]

3) The party rap/electro scene between Philly, Chicago and NY seems pretty incestuous. Have you dated any of those female rappers?

[His relationship with Kid Sister has since been confirmed by a magazine interview.]

4) What's up with your stunner obsession? Do you have a monster eye? Sensitive pupils?

[Oddly enough, he was NOT wearing any sunglasses when he arrived and proceeded to be sunglass-less for the entire party... Whoa!]

5) What do you think of this?

[We thought it would be a good time to high jack the interview and share our distaste for Steve Aoki. We planned on handing him a crumpled image of Steve and Lindsay Lohan djing together. The actual image that now resides on our fridge, was ripped out of an XLR8R and said "IZ IN YR INTERNETZ STEALINZ YR SOUL".]

Overall, the party was a disappointment. The show kicked off strong with Sammy Bananas dropping some heat. Sinden absolutely killed it. The party seemed promising, but fell apart when Steve Aoki brought his charred, LA style of electro/rock mash-up to the decks. His set was blown by his poor trax selection, over use of Serato effects and his zealous headbanging and arm chopping dance moves. The show became absolute garbage from here on out. Fool's Gold gets an extra thumbs down because we got ejected from the last tour for having a party in the women's bathroom. WOOWOO!

Sammy Bananas is playing at BLOW UP next week. We'll be there and you should too.

Shake & Pop

Last month, house legend Green Velvet graced SF with his presence courtesy of our homie,  Eric Sharp (Rock it Science).

 If don't know about this man, Green Velvet decided to drop out of college in the early 90's and make weird-ass Chicago house on a 909, while living out of his car. He soon released "coffee pot/percolator" under his alternate moniker, Cajmere, which became an instant classic. He went on to create two of the most innovational labels in house music, Relief and Cajual, which showcased burgeoning artists like Derrick Carter, Boo Williams, DJ Sneak, and Gene Farris to name a few. Relief and Cajual defined the sound of Chicago house to come with the seminal compilation "The Many Shades of Cajual" which influenced house producers the world over. He has since become one of the most prolific dance music producers in house history, releasing classic trax like "Flash", "Preacher Man", "La La Land" and "Shake & Pop". 

This guy is no fucking joke and seeing him play is ridiculous. Between his jack trax, kookish live vocals, and his Riddick goggles with green lazers that shoot out, Green Velvet makes it happen. 

Fuck Trance and party on.

It's a Pant's Party

Last Saturday, James Pants graced SF with his space-disco-elektric presence at Amnesia Bar. Damn, it was a sick show. Probably one of the best sets I've seen in a minute.

I admit that I saw his name in the most recent Stones Throw newsletter and had his mix populate my podcasts, but I slept on it!!! As penance I'm trying to catch up on all the time I didn't spend listening to his Music From the Forest mix. I actually made dinner with "We're Through" just repeating over an over for 30 minutes; yes, i AM just that lazy but he's also just that listenable.

Don't make the mistake I did. James Pants needs to get checked out. He pumps some of the grooviest 80s synthesis out there and rarely relies on samples. Plus it's refreshing that he reps a NW hesher style, you know, all wrapped up in a thick lumber and dickies instead of high tops, tight mustard colored pants, asymetrical hair, or neon.

If you like James Pants, I also suggest you check out his brother from another mother, Dam Funk, also on Stones Throw and equally as hot. Dam Funk's Burn Rubber was a hot joint that came out late 2007 on the Baron Zen at the Mall Remixes.

5 Months

Why is it that only the most terrible experiences bring about motivation? Last night we dwindled away our last dollars on drinks at the bar, missed Bart back to the Eastbay and crashed on our friend's hardwood floor. Mind you, our friend just moved in and has NOTHING in his apartment. Sleeping involved two small pillows wrapped in plastic (like furniture in the ghetto), and a blanket that resembled  the cape of a crazed street person. As you can imagine, not much sleeping went down. Since waking up, we managed to have a pretty damn good day until around 5, when the combination of sleep depravation, 85 degree weather and cold beers led to caveman grunting and sloth-like behavior. The silver lining to this terrible experience was that we finally mustered up the ambition to stay in on a saturday night and start something we've been meaning to do for 5 months, this blog. Introductions aside, heres some music to help you through the everyday struggle.

Notorious BIG- Everyday Struggle

Azymuth- Morning

Aretha Franklin- Day Dreaming